What is a shitbox? The concept should be self-explanatory; a shitbox is an incredibly slow computer. The reason for it’s unusually colourful name is twofold: the first is simply because the machine is shit (although one could make the argument that it not the machines that get shittier, it is our tolerance levels for said machines; I assure you, in a few years that Quad-Core beast sitting in front of you will transform into the hideous beige shitbox I am currently forced to gaze upon). The second reason for these ‘computers’ being so named is the resulting mess in which they can leave us in; i.e. ‘I feel like shit, all because of that Goddamn shitbox’. Now that you are informed, I will continue.
Working with a shitbox is incredibly frustrating. In fact, if you can avoid any association with these archaic devices I would urge you to do so; this includes shelling out what little money you may have for a modern PC. Of course, this is not always possible.
Now, I normally experience hassel-free computing at home on my Dual-Core Vista PC. This is not so in work (where many, many people suffer the evils of the pentium III); in work, I use a shitbox on a daily basis. This gives me an intimate knowledge of how to cope with such a ‘computer’, and in my infinate generosity, I’ve decided to impart some of knowledge onto the needy interwebs.
Kill unnecessary processes
Obvious I know, but it still has to be mentioned. Hit ctrl-alt-delete, go to your task manager, and click the processes tab. How many of those of those processes are necessary? Now filter the results by memory usage, and cpu allocation. Determine the biggest hogs, and kill them (end process). This is a short term solution; you need to stop these programs loading on startup. You can catch a few offenders by checking out your ‘Startup’ folder in the Programs menu. Likely culprits include Adobe Reader Speed Launcher, Microsoft Office and Quicktime. Delete anything you can live without from this folder.
Not all startup programs make themselves known in the ‘Startup’ folder. You can check out all startup processes by visiting the Startup tab in MsConfig (hit windows+r to open a run dialog, type ‘MsConfig’). Disable all you can live without.
You can make life easier by avoiding the above and downloading CCleaner, which I talk about below.
Free up disk space
In the age of terabytes, freeing up disk space rarely has an impact on system performance, but when working with a shitbox every megabyte counts (it pains me greatly to have to say that). The quickest way to free up space is to blast the programs you never use off the system. Use disk cleanup and defragger after this (in fact, when working with a shitbox, you should defrag every week: schedule it). Finally, use CCleaner.
CCleaner
CCleaner is my favorite kind of free: useful and free. It has three sections: Cleaner, Registry and Tools. All of these sections clean.
- Cleaner: This section has two tabs: Windows and Applications; pretty self explanitory stuff. Go through the options and see what you need to keep; blow away the rest.
- Registry: This section scans the registry for inconsistencies and unnecessary keys. I’ve never had it mess up my system so you should be pretty safe using it; but always make a backup just in case (CCleaner can so this for you, just wait for the prompt).
- Tools: There are just two tools: An application uninstaller that I’ve never used, and Startup. Huzzah, now I can delete all the crap loading at startup with one friendly interface!
Minimise, minimise, minimise
When you minimise a window, it frees up a huge chunk of memory. Minimise agressively, minimise often.
Use speedy applications
This my favorite way to use a shitbox. Simply replace all your slowest programs with speedier alternatives (where available). I’ve outlined my favorites below (all are free, as in beer).
Firefox 1.5
I use Firefox 1.5 instead of 2.0 on my shitbox for the speed boost, and to avoid the dreaded Firefox memory leaks. Conservative use of tabs is still advised, as is the occasional program restart. You can get Firefox 1.5 from OldVersion.com.
Foxit Reader
Adobe Reader is so fucking slow on my machine, it’s unbearable. So I went with Foxit, and my teeth have never been whiter.
Irfanview
Probably the best image viewer on the market, it’s also the fastest I’ve come across. Grab it here.
Notepad++ and Filezilla
Developing on a shitbox just shouldn’t be done, but if you have to, use Notepad++ as your IDE, and Filezilla for ftp.
